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WARRIOR: Bobby Henderson
WHY: For enlightening closed minds about the Flying Spaghetti Monster
Bobby Henderson wants you to join his church, which worships a little-known deity, the Flying Spaghetti Monster. It’s a friendly beast consisting of lots of noodly appendages, two meatballs and a pair of eyestalks (but this description doesn’t do it justice, so check out venganza.org). Followers of FSMism are known as “Pastafarians” and they believe that the FSM created the universe, starting with a mountain, trees and a midget. The church also teaches that global warming, earthquakes, hurricanes, etc. are the result of the decline in the divine pirate population since the 1800s. The perks of worshiping the Flying Spaghetti Monster are many, but the best are that every Friday is a religious holiday and heaven offers a beer volcano and a stripper factory. Sounds ludicrous you say? That is how Henderson, an unemployed Oregonian with a physics degree, felt after the Kansas Board of Education voted 6-4 in November 2005 to allow criticisms of evolution -- such as intelligent design -- to be taught in public schools as part of the science curriculum. Recently, board member Connie Morris was touring a Kansas Middle School and noticed a picture of the FSM on the door of a seventh-grade science class. She asked the principal to have it removed, completely missing the point that teacher Randy Mousley explained to the Wichita Eagle, “it’s a parody, it’s just making fun of anti-evolution.”
To join the Pastafarians and learn more about FSMism, pick up Henderson’s new book The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Please help the religion reach its goal of having science classes spend, “one third time for intelligent design, one third for FSMism and one third for logical conjecture based on overwhelming observable evidence.” |
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WEASELS: The Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission
WHY: Overzealous prosecution
There are many folks out there who enjoy having a cocktail or two…or six in a local tavern (or so I’ve been told). If any of those people get behind the wheel then they are breaking the law and deserve punishment for the serious offense. The Associated Press reported that Texas has more than 1,600 drunk driving fatalities in 2004 and the state led the nation in drivers with a BAC above the legal limit of .08. To prevent drunk driving, however, the Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission (TABC) took steps that might’ve given Elliot Ness second thoughts. Since 2001, the TABC has been sending undercover officers into bars, taverns, watering holes, speakeasies and gin mills to ticket or arrest patrons that they deem to be exceedingly drunk, even if they aren’t driving. Public intoxication is a misdemeanor fine of up to $500 and the TABC claims that the average target has had a BAC of .17, twice the legal limit. The TABC received additional state funding in 2005, added upward of 100 new employees and issued nearly 2,300 citations over ten months. On a single March night, 29 bars were part of a sting, which led to a major public outcry on talk radio stations from tavern owners, civil libertarians, tourism officials and people who like to wet (or drown) their whistle in peace. The two most common criticisms were that officers were too quick to issue citations/make arrests and that it will be bad for business across the state. The president of the Dallas Convention and Visitors Bureau told the AP that potential visitors “are afraid that they can’t drink at all if they come to Texas.”
It’s must be a world of confusion for a hard-drinking cowboys these days. “First I gotta’ put up with Brokeback Mountain, now I can’t get drunk in a bar? What’s next? At least I can sit down at Rusty’s Grill and smoke my cigarettes with a cup of coffee and a piece of apple pie. What’s that you say…screw it, I’m heading to the hills. For good.” |
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