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WARRIOR: Key West Chickens
WHY: For clucking it to the man
Key West, Florida is a bohemian enclave of less than 25,000 full-time residents and more than 2 million part-timers, also known as tourists. The devil-may-care island is also home to a never-ending parade of chickens marching up and down the streets, pecking at food dropped by drunks and strutting whenever they please. The chickens are as integral to Key West as Hemingway’s six-toed cats, rainbow flags, the Green Parrot bar and the amazing sunsets. That’s why the unanimous resolution of the city commissioners to rid Key West of the 3,000 chickens will never fly. Under the guise of fighting bird flu, a new plan has been developed to capture as many chickens as possible, although a reference to “aggressive action” was rescinded. A chicken catcher was hired two years ago, but too many of the birds were set free and equipment was destroyed by Key Westerners yearning to let the roosters have the run of the place. Katha Sheehan (known better as the “chicken lady”) wore appropriately fowl attire and continued her life’s mission of ensure the birds always have a place to roost. The Palm Beach Post quoted commissioner Bill Verge saying that the collection center set up in a local park wasn’t going to be very successful, but he hoped to cull at least a third of the birds. Sheehan responded by passing out stickers that said: “This too shall pass. Key West chickens are forever.”
Amen, sister. Amen and cock-a-doodle-doo. |
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WORKERS: Hawaiians
WHY: Help is definitely wanted
One might think that living in a tropical paradise wouldn’t involve doing a stitch of work, but Hawaii has the lowest unemployment in the country at 2.4% as of January 2006. The Aloha state is at its lowest jobless level since 1991, below Florida and Virginia’s 3%, less than the national average of 4.8% and light years from Mississippi’s 8.4%, worst in the United States. According to an Associated Press report, starting wages at fast food joints dwarf the minimum wage at $7-$12, Jamba Juice offers $10,000 bonuses to store managers who work there for three years and First Hawaiian Bank offers $500 signing bonus, flexible schedules and gym memberships. The Department of Labor and Industrial Relations data shows only 15,300 unemployed out of a pool of 645,700.
E komo mai (welcome) to Hawaii, now get to work! |
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WHINERS: John Kiel Patterson
WHY: Not listening very well
Product liability lawsuits are always interesting, at their best they change fundamental problems negatively affecting a lot of people, but at their worst they force changes (and raise costs) over “issues” that a deaf/dumb water buffalo should recognize. You can decide which category John Kiel Patterson of Louisiana belongs in. Patterson filed a federal lawsuit --- seeking class action certification -- against Apple Computers because iPods aren’t “sufficiently adorned with adequate warnings regarding the likelihood of hearing loss.” Keep in mind that each iPod comes with a warning about hearing loss if the device is played at high volumes, which can exceed 115 decibels. The complaint says Apple encourages cranking it up in its marketing campaigns. Macnewsworld.com reported that Apple has released software allowing users to lock in a specific decibel level. The story quoted physician Paul Dybala saying, “a rule of thumb is that you want to listen at most to your device for one hour a day at 60% maximum volume.”
To wit: listening to really loud music in earphones may cause permanent hearing damage. Who knew? |
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WEASEL: A textbook in Rajasthan
WHY: For equating housewives with donkeys
The Times of India reported that a textbook used in the Indian state of Rajasthan compared housewives to donkeys. It went so far as to suggest the braying animals are better companions because they don’t nag and complain and are much more loyal to their “masters.” The book was a Hindi language tome geared toward 14-year-olds and had been approved by the state’s Hindu nationalist Bharatiya Janata Party government. Rajasthan is known for its old-line attitude toward women, but protests did ensue from within the women’s wing of the party. A state education official was quoted as saying that the donkey/housewife comparison was all in good fun, but that the reference was being excised.
In future editions, perhaps a fair comparison will be made between any of the Neanderthal governmental officials…and the aforementioned ass. |
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